For the Love of Regina Spektor
My identity comes from this song. Well, it comes from many things, but this is one of them. I dated a boy in high school and he bought me a teddy bear that I’d seen in the store. I named him Samson before I even owned him. I just saw him in the window and decided he was Samson. Later on, my mom bought me another bear to which I promptly named, Delilah. I still have both bears almost sixteen years later. I know this song doesn’t embody the spirit of the Delilah I created in myself. It’s just a beautiful song that I love. I think the coincidence of her singing about a man dying of cancer and the boy who gave me the bear lost his mother to cancer is bittersweet. I’m not just the selfish harlot, Delilah who writes about the men of her past to humiliate the memory of them. I write to always remember. They’ve all taught me something and helped shape who I am today. It’s funny because I’ve always been the girl who found it so hard to love someone and yet I feel as though I’ve loved them all. Every “Samson” who has crossed my path has made such an important mark on my life. Sometimes I feel I gave myself to so many people and it makes me weak, but sometimes I feel like it’s made me so much stronger. I heard a comment the other day that artists are selfish people. They only think of themselves and they take whatever they can from life, in bed, emotionally. They feed off anyone who will stroke their artistic ego. I sat in silence because I felt it was a personal blow. I’ve tried to not let it bother me, but there was a lot of truth to the statement. I decided though to change what I didn’t like about myself in that description, but only what I didn’t like. I would like to be more like the Delilah in this song…taking care of her Samson. That doesn’t mean The Delilah Diaries will ever stop, it just means that I choose to look at them differently now. They were and always will be the learning experiences that made me who I am.